It was the perfect evening for a ball. The stars were winking in the perfect sky after the sun had set in a burst of all shades of pink and gold. Every last fairy godmother was exhausted from primping, prodding, and powdering their protégés. Cinderella had been stuffed into her carriage while Sleeping Beauty was being pumped full of stimulants to keep her expression perky and her cheeks rosy. Snow White and her seven escorts pulled up just as I was walking up the steps to Prince Charming’s palace.
How she received eight invitations, I’ll never know. Half of the White clan always ended up brawling out back in an alley after consuming most of the punch. They are so obnoxious.
People around the world may be familiar with the previously mentioned princesses, but I haven’t yet made it into the official fairy tale books. I attribute this oversight to many things, but first and foremost to my name. Penelope just isn’t cute, regal, or royal. I’ve never been forced to overcome hardships because I’ve never been stupid enough to eat poisoned apples, poke myself on a cursed needle or clean the commode for an overbearing step-family. I’ll make my mark yet, however, by doing something great. Don’t be confused by the ‘poor me’ stories put out by other princesses. They are all conniving and self-centered. I don’t need Prince Charming to save me, although it would be nice.
“The Princess Penelope has arrived!” announced the herald in the great hall. No one so much as turned to view my entrance. Everyone was waiting the precious little Cinderella to arrive, I imagine. I smiled regally and walked confidently to find myself a glass of champagne and a royal arm to perch myself on as if I didn’t notice or care that nobody took note of me. Everything was going just fine until I tripped on the hem of my dress and nearly did a face plant before I managed to grab the arm of the person nearest to me.
“Oh, I’m terribly sorry sir,” I exclaimed as I willed the embarrassed blush to leave my cheeks.
“Think nothing of it, my dear,” a deep masculine voice stated calmly close to my ear. I looked up to behold face of my savior.
“Why Captain Hook! How good of you to keep me from falling gracefully to the floor in a faint. I just don’t know what I would have done without you,” I grimaced internally as I realized I was not grasping onto flesh and blood, but the cool, shiny steel of the legendary hook attached to the left hand of the villain.
“I don’t believe I’ve had the pleasure, your highness. Allow me to introduce myself; Captain Thaddeus Hook at your service,” the Captain bowed gallantly before kissing my proffered hand. I couldn’t help but notice the way his eyes seemed to sparkle a bit the in candle light.
“Princess Penelope MacGillicuddy,” I proclaimed and curtseyed briefly before the handsome scallywag. After a short awkward silence during which the captain stared inappropriately at my neckline, I cleared my throat. “Tolerably pleasant weather we’ve been having, wouldn’t you agree?”
I didn’t wait to hear his reply as I scouted the room for Charming. I caught a glimpse of him cavorting about with his buddies near a keg in the corner. It seemed they were making fun of one of the dwarves who was growing angrier by the second, from the looks of him. He was making rude hand gestures as his face turned radish red while the prince and company laughed at him.
“I must assume that’s Grumpy being made sport of, poor chap,” Captain Hook spoke up. I had nearly forgotten he was still beside me. Hook offered his arm and I took it without thinking. I was hoping to get closer to Charming so that I could laugh gaily without a care and show him that I’m just as much fun as dumb old Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty.
I unconsciously swept my silk-like brunette curls out of my eyes, adjusted my tiara, and allowed Hook to lead me in the direction of the laughter.
Cinderella said quite loudly at my approach, “Ooh, look Beauty! Our little Penelope has managed, somehow, to afford a new ball gown for the occasion. It must have been a blue light special. Look how the color clashes with her skin tone.” Beauty snickered into her hand as I looked quickly down at my pink satin gown. The dressmaker had said it suited me perfectly!
“Cindy you’re awful! I think she heard you. Come on; let’s go see what Charming is up to. I haven’t seen him in what seems like a hundred years,” Beauty giggled and grabbed Cinderella’s arm.
“Don’t mind them my dear. I find you quite ravishing in that gown. So good I could kidnap you…but I won’t,” Hook added sheepishly after I flashed him a frightened look.
“What really did happen between you, Wendy and Peter Pan?” I queried.
Hook coughed nervously. “Would you look at all of that shrimp? They must have spent a fortune on the arrangement. And the ice sculptures! How astonishing. Did you know that my hook allows me to carve the most exquisitely intricate ice sculptures?” With that he led me quickly toward the refreshment table and away from the topic of Peter Pan.
While Captain Hook speared five or six shrimp on his makeshift hand I scoped the room for Charming once more. Any girl would be a fool not to be in love with him. His dark hair, dashing smile, and beguiling brown eyes could capture the heart of any female in sight of him. This is why I found myself completely annoyed when I saw him throwing pickled herring into a fish tank containing mermaids. Why did he need to flirt with them? They aren’t even human, for heaven’s sake.
Prince Charming took a moment to wipe his fish soiled hands on the front of his shirt and grinned right at me. I felt my breath catch in my chest as he slicked back his hair with one hand and headed straight towards me.
“That’s why I discourage the use of cannons in favor of swords. Old fashioned swordplay is the only real gentlemanly sport left. Why, just last Tuesday I single-handedly massacred a long boat full of giants on their way to audition for a part in ‘Jack and the Beanstalk’,” I heard Hook regaling Tinkerbelle with his tales of daring and do good.
“Excuse me,” Charming slurred as he swatted Tinkerbelle out of his way with his drink free hand. “I have to dance with you.”
My heart actually skipped a beat when Charming pointed at me. Me! The future ruler of all the land held out his hand to me and pulled me close into his strong arms. As we began to spin across the dance floor, it became clear that Charming had polished off one too many vodka and Tahitian Treats. It was up to me to guide us across the polished dance floor.
“So have you read any interesting books lately?” I tried to begin a stimulating conversation. Charming simply must have something witty to say about the newest best-selling novel.
“Books?! Ha! I’m at a second grade reading level. Why would I learn to read - I’m Prince Charming for heaven’s sake,” Charming scowled at me as if I had just asked him for a blood sample. “All of my favorite Amelia Bedelia books are illustrated, anyway.” Soon the dance ended and strangely enough I felt a tiny flutter in my stomach when Charming walked me back to Captain Hook.
“Here you are, my good man. I hope I didn’t rough her up too much for you! She’s an intellectual whirlwind on the dance floor. Well cheerio! I’d best be heading back to the bar,” Charming bowed with a flourish and staggered on.
The world seemed to stop and spin backwards for a moment when I looked up into Captain Hook’s eyes. My happiness at that moment actually hung by satin ribbons in the stars I found in his gaze. I sensed my face turning a tomato color as the blood rushed to my cheeks.
“My dear I’m afraid you may have been a little too vigorous with your dancing. Please allow me to accompany you outside for a breath of fresh air,” Captain Hook placed his flesh and blood hand on the small of my back and guided me toward the entrance to the palace gardens. Again I heard the whooshing of atmosphere between my ears as I lost my balance for half a heartbeat. As the Captain turned to help me regain my equilibrium, I grasped his two very different hands and kissed him. It was at that moment that I knew I would never kiss anyone else. The night was even more dazzling and brilliant than it had seemed at first.
Captain Hook’s eyes shone with something that looked like love, or at least extreme infatuation as he opened up to me about his hopes and dreams. “I’ve always imagined a woman who craves adventure to travel the seven seas with me. The wondrous and terrible things I’ve seen at seen could be so enhanced by the love of one honest woman. A woman who wouldn’t shrink at the tasks set before us,” the good Captain stood at this point and spread his arms wide as he looked up to the sky. “A woman who wouldn’t baulk at a terrible task, such as escorting the Queen of Hearts to her summer home, or scaling fish.”
I felt as if my very heart would burst as Hook put his arm around my waist and asked me if I might be up to the task.
“I think I could manage,” I affirmed meekly.
“Then let’s go enjoy our first dance,” Captain Hook, the most romantic pirate in the world, led me, the happiest princess in the world, to the dance floor.
It just so happened that my father raised me to be an avid fisherwoman. I’ve already applied for a patent for my automatic fish de-scaler. And as for the Queen of Hearts, well that’s no problem. Sooner or later I’ll have to tell Hook that she’s my mother. And then, I have a feeling that we will live plunderingly ever after.
